What do you do when God's starts to call you?
This is meant to be a blog that narrates my own spiritual journey. It's intended to be an unadulterated depiction of my heart's callings and stirrings, as an act of faith and obedience to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I've spent my entire life, up until this point, of keeping this part hidden within me - away and unseen from the public eye. I've felt self-conscious of being "too pushy" or fearful of "coming on too strong" when it comes to public displays of my faith. This blog is meant to be an answer to a long, drawn out process of me finally being authentic to myself. Without consideration to how I come across to you, the reader (if there ever is one!), my aim is to be true to myself, as I understand God is calling me to be, in a more or less public way now (finally!).
Back when I first converted to the Catholic faith, the seeds of which were planted likely in late 2008/early 2009, I felt an urge; a pull, and a desire to know our Lord. And this pull was not just to any church, but the Catholic church! This was dramatically startling to me, even though I was the one participating in the journey.
I had actually grown up feeling quite the opposite. I think it's safe to say there was disdain, even, for the Catholic church. To me, it was the source of oppression; an antiquated ideology meant to suppress my individual freedom. For those 'needing church' it was structured dependence on 'something' that I didn't need, if I were to live an actualized, self-sufficient life. I also bought into the lie that it was the primary subjugator of women who were meant to be 'second-class citizens' to their husbands; with no voice of their own.
All of that is probably a topic for its own blog one day, but the bigger point for this entry is that I was awakened; my mind was opened, and my heart was changed to finally see that God is the source of all things, and in particular for me back then: love.
I subsequently joined RCIA (Right of Christian Initiation for Adults) at the local church in our area at the time. I was following a calling to be there, to learn, to soak up the very life of God, as he has revealed himself to us in the Bible, and more specifically, in His Church.
I loved it! I couldn't get enough. I was starting at a very basic, elementary level of God's love; what he desires for us, and how he has shown that through is one, holy, and apostolic church.
There is such an enormously rich tradition of works, writings, teachings, pastoral letters, and the like that the church keeps sacred to her believers. But, I was simply content reading the chapters of the United States Catholic Catechism for Adults. This book was our study guide. It broke things down for me in ways that turned my reality upside down! Things made sense to me in ways never heard of before in my life. It helped me understand that I was living a lie before. The Catholic Church that I was learning about was nothing portrayed in this book, and in what I was learning in my RCIA classes. It was a wholly enriching, and life-changing experience!
It brought a zeal and zest to my life. I was hungry for more! I wanted more and kept finding more!
Fast-forward some to when I officially entered the Church. I was confirmed on Easter Sunday in 2011 and received holy communion for the first time that day.
I was floored! I was humbled. I was home.
I was reduced to tears much of that day. It was a joyous experience shared with some friends I had just started to get to know who were Catholic, and also my wife's family members, most of whom are Catholic. I was touched and moved, beyond measure.
The ensuing years I felt on fire with the Holy Spirit. I listened to Catholic talk radio, almost exclusively, while driving in my car. I learned prayers I had never heard of before. (I still hadn't known how to pray a Hail Mary shortly before my official entrance into the Church!) I downloaded a Catholic app and read the daily Mass readings, and was enriched by the accompanying meditations and reflections. None of it was anything I learned growing up. It all was spawned by God the Father himself, who placed his hand into my heart, stirred it up, and released his Holy Spirit within me so I could help to be his light and love for others in this world.
There is much more that I can attribute to furthering my own catechesis about what the Church truly is; far different than anything I learned or thought about it growing up. For now, I'll just say that I know the Holy Spirit was guiding me all along the way.
One important thing that was also spawned within me was a calling to the Diaconate, even then, just months after officially being welcomed into the Catholic Church. It was a call I heard, even though I didn't know how to interpret it. It was the same draw; the same pull, to 'know' or further investigate into something. That same pull was what drew me into the Church in the first place.
I kept hearing that call. Even then, I really didn't know what a Deacon was. The entire structure and hierarchy of the Church was still predominantly alien to me. I was a neophyte then and am a neophyte now. But, I was largely ignorant to many of her workings or ways.
I remember wanting to start this blog back then. This is well over 10 years ago, actually probably closer to 15 years ago. I heard the word 'neophyte' then and knew that's exactly who I was. And I wanted to chronicle the journey of it ever since. So, I guess I will have to make up for lost time, and put down on 'paper,' here, what exactly has all transpired up until this point, and will, beyond this entry.
The word neophyte is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as: a person who is new to a subject, skill, or belief. I was certainly newer then than I am now, almost 15 years ago, as a newly formed Catholic convert. But, I do believe it's always new, because there just isn't a time when you know everything. I've always felt the more you know, the less you realize that you do.
All this being said, that call to the Diaconate has never left. It's come up in many ways, and at different times since my conversion. It's something I have felt come on, rise to the surface of my conscious being, and then I have quickly suppressed it! At times, it's been stronger than others, and at other times, I haven't felt it come up much for awhile - but, it's always been there.
Part of the reason it took me so long to write this blog and chronicle the happenings and whereabouts of a Catholic neophyte is I simply got busy. I don't like ever having that excuse, but it is what it is. Inherent in my call to the Catholic faith is my call, and first vocation, to marriage and fatherhood. There's been no greater journey than that! It's a humbling honor to shepherd God's children into this world and do it sacramentally with my bride. That calling; that first vocation, has also been wholly consuming. And despite all the challenges, I've actually wanted it that way. I also believe God called me to do it that way, too. Pouring out one's life in service for his family is, without a doubt, the single greatest thing I could do with my life. After all, it's what Jesus himself asks us to do, as St. Paul writes to the Ephesians:
"Husband, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her..." -Ephesians 5:25
So, I've been busy doing my best to live up to that mighty call God asks of us in marriage and fatherhood. I've been pretty darn dedicated to it. And I remain so.
Then, I'd say over the past year or so, that call to the Diaconate has become stronger and stronger. I'll pray in front of the Blessed Sacrament and hear God telling me to look into it. In my mind's eye I can see myself in that role; doing what I see other Deacons do; noticing their movements and actions at Mass; hearing their homilies. And each time I catch myself doing that, I freak out. :)
It's not a 'bad' freaking out, but certainly in a "I'm not ready for this, God! You can't make me do this!" kind of way. It's been sort of comical to witness how much I've tried to shut this part of myself down. And I've been doing it for over 10 years!
It's been a very private stirring within my soul. Over the (almost 15) years since my conversion, I've spoken it out loud to my wife only a couple of times that I may be interested in the Diaconate. I may have mentioned it to a friend, once, that I think about it at times. But, that's been it. Yet, the stirring felt inside has been very loud and clear. And I've been terrified of it!
Terrified of what? I've asked myself this many times. I think it's being terrified of actually stepping into the role as a servant of Jesus Christ. There are many ways each of us can be his servant though. We can be involved in the myriad ministries at our local parish (who really need the help!). We can be solely dedicated to catechizing our children and raising them up in the faith (something we vow to do at their baptisms). There are too many other and various ways to serve Jesus to note here. So, why be an ordained minister in his Church?
And I think that's what terrifies me the most. It no longer becomes just idle talk. It isn't 'sitting on the sidelines' any longer. It's no longer just a stirring within my heart or soul. It's actually putting yourself out there, 'getting on the playing field' and making a life commitment to his one, holy, and apostolic Church.
Jesus is my Lord. He is my everything. How can I, his lowly and humble servant, consider myself worthy to proclaim his Word? It's the very breath of God himself! Maybe the phrase, "too hot to handle" describes the magnitude of this decision. Jesus Christ, my savior, the one who sacrificed all so that we could be redeemed. Jesus Christ, the one who established his Church upon which his work could be done here on earth, asking me to be a part of that?! Sheesh. No way. Not me. Couldn't be. Joining the likes of all those before me who laid the foundation upon which I stand? Not in a million years.
Yet, here I am. Seeking it out. Considering it, just like he asked me to do. The other side of all of that is, why not me? The sinner in me thinks "I don't have what it takes. I've done too much harm. He couldn't possibly want someone like me." But, his whisper beckoning in my ear all this time is real. His call is true. He never lets us down or leads us astray, so why would I question him?
I recently had a friend suggest I'd be a good Deacon. We were having beers together and we weren't half-way through our first pint! I literally dropped my head and teared up on the spot. I don't even think I asked him why he thought that. All I could think about was that I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy to uphold the mantle of a minister in his Church, the sole entity through which we are granted eternal (meaning, forever!) salvation...or not. That's too much to bear. Too heavy to be a part of that kind of work. I've made too many mistakes for him to want me to serve his Church for that end. I can't. I won't! But...alas, here I still am.
My friend wisely advised me to read about St. Stephen, the Church's first martyr and the patron saint of Deacons, as he was one of the first deacons in the early church. I knew St. Stephen was the Church's first martyr, but up until then, I didn't know that he was also one of the initial deacons in Jerusalem (read Acts of the Apostles, chapters 6 and 7). So, I've taken heed to my friend's advice, and have promptly, and often, prayed for the intercession of St. Stephen on this matter.
As you can tell, dear reader, I still remain conflicted with this call and decision to discern the Diaconate. I remain committed to continuing to hear him in this. Maybe this leads to nowhere? Maybe it amounts to a good lesson in my spiritual path; gifting me graces that I wouldn't otherwise know about? I don't know. But, here I am...listening.
St. Stephen, pray for me.
